A Salty Blog

Splashed out on a Dalek?

2011-01-08T08:33:00.011Z

I'll just leave this here and see if I get any Google hits.
(Although, if Phil Jupitus hits, I doubt the blog will ever get up again!)

Miss You So Very Much

2008-09-16T18:34:00.002+01:00

Happy Easter

2008-03-22T00:44:00.002Z

Breaking News

2008-03-08T02:29:00.007Z

Mad Maggie was last night admitted
to hospital for "tests".
The doctors tried to check her heart,
but were unable since they discovered
the evil old bitch hasn't got one!

War

2008-03-01T09:42:00.007Z

"War is God's way of teaching
geography to Americans."
(John Sessions)

Our Friends?

2008-02-07T02:37:00.000Z

A 40 year old businesswoman is sitting in Starbucks innocently holding a meeting with a male colleague.

Suddenly the police burst in, drag her into a taxi and drive her off to jail, where she is strip searched, held in a cell incommunicado, interrogated, and, fearing for her life, forced to sign a confession.

Now you're doubtless thinking this took place in a dreadful, backward "enemy of democracy" nation, maybe Venezuela, Cuba, North Korea, or some other member of the "axis of evil"?

If so, you'd be wrong; it happened in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, our good friends and allies in the War Against Terror (and whom we even bribe to buy our weapons), whose ~~despotic feudal ruler~~ king was recently feted with a state banquet by none other than the Queen of England!

Oh, and the woman's terrible crime? Being seen out in public with a man who was not a close male relative!

News story here

Fishy

2008-01-23T11:22:00.000Z

Mohammed

2007-11-28T18:48:00.000Z

This is my black pudding...

...I call him Mohammed.

What are you going to do about that, Sudanese Government?

Anyone failing to understand the bitter sarcasm of this post is invited
to click this link

Snow

2007-11-23T17:45:00.000Z

Loss

2007-11-21T00:19:00.000Z

LOSS By Wendy Cope

The day he moved out was terrible -

That evening she went through hell.

His absence wasn’t a problem

But the corkscrew had gone as well.

Pre-emptive Strike Sur La Plage

2007-11-19T01:23:00.000Z

It seems my blog now has a reader/stalker.
Therefore, in your honour, I feel I ought to post my brain-dead nonsense more often.
So, enjoy!....

On The Eleventh Hour Of The Eleventh Day Of The Eleventh Month...

2007-11-11T09:24:00.003Z

...the guns fell silent.

Photo shows my grandfather on the
Western Front in late 1918.

*****************

NO MAN'S LAND:
(Click on title to listen)

Well, how do you do young Willie McBride?
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside
and rest for awhile neath the warm summer sun.
I've been walking all day and I'm nearly done
I see by your gravestone you were only nineteen
when you joined the great fallen in nineteen sixteen
I hope you died quick and I hope you died clean
or young Willie McBride was it slow and obscene

CHORUS
Did they beat the drum slowly - did they sound the fife lowly
Did the rifles fire o're you as they lowered you down
Did the band play the last post and chorus
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest

And did you leave a wife or sweetheart behind
ln some faithful heart is your memory enshrined
Although you died back in 1916
ln some faithful heart are you forever nineteen
Or are you a stranger without even name
Enclosed and forever behind the glass frame
ln an old photograph, torn and battered and stained
And faded to yellow in a brown leather frame

CHORUS

The sun now it shines on the green fields of France
The warm summer breeze makes the red poppies dance
The trenches are gone now, long under the plough
There's no gas, no barbed wire, there's no guns firing now
But here in this graveyard it's still no man's land
The countless white crosses, in mute witness stand
To man's blind indifference to his fellow man
To a whole generation that were butchered and damned.

CHORUS

Now young Willie McBride, I can't help but wonder why
Do all those who lie here really know why they died
And did they believe when they answered the cause
Did they really believe that this war would end wars
Well the sorrows, the suffering, the glory, the pain,
The killing and dying, it was all done in vain
For Willie McBride it all happened again
And again, and again and again and again.

CHORUS

(Eric Bogle)

*************************

"They shall grow not old. As we that are left grow old
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them".
They shall not grow old..."

(Laurence Binyon)

*****************************

"...but why the fuck don't we learn from their sacrifice ?"

(Joe)

Post republished from last year

From The Mouths of Babes.........

2007-11-02T08:03:00.000Z

Beauty

2007-10-13T19:11:00.000+01:00

They say, "Beauty is only skin deep."

Shame, I've got a lovely titanium plate in my skull.

Knock Knock

2007-10-07T19:13:00.000+01:00

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

"O. J. Simpson"

"O. J. Simpson who?"

"You're on the jury!"

R.I.P. Ned Sherrin

2007-10-02T08:58:00.000+01:00

Ned Sherrin, 1931 - 2007

Farewell Ned, truly a great erudite, eccentric polymath.

You are missed.

I Found My Next Bike

2007-09-28T06:43:00.000+01:00

Look, it's even got a built-in basket for Jess!

Now all I need to do is track it down somewhere in Ukraine and
make an offer; can't be that difficult!

(Image shamelessly stolen from Mouse at
http://maskarad.livejournal.com/ )

Voodoo Dildo

2007-09-06T09:31:00.000+01:00

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dildo,'" the old man said.

"The voodoo dildo?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door."

The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dildo, box!"

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dildo, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said "Voodoo dildo, my pussy!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing her.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dildo, my arse!"

A Head

2007-08-17T08:36:00.000+01:00

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Lily

2007-08-10T23:49:00.000+01:00

I tried to take a snap of a lovely orange lily(?) growing wild
in my front garden this afternoon, but it was horribly over-exposed.
However, with a little extra added oomph it looks quite fun.

New Definitions

2007-08-06T10:28:00.000+01:00

Here are some updated dictionary definitions which I've totally shamelessly stolen from those fine people at I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

whisp a really pathetic wasp

childhood a very young gangster

haphazard mind that hap!

deliberate to imprison

livery rather like liver

coincidental having matching teeth

heathrow what a baggage handler does

luton airport slightly more detailed description of what

a baggage

handler does

donation where Homer Simpson is king

damnation Holland

lamination New Zealand

extort having left school

abatement downstairs storage area used by a man

with sinus troubles

harpist laughing drunk

teutonic what you order with two gins

shoe horn a fetish

wristwatch all night vigil in a catholic boarding

school

disdain contempt for someone from Copenhagen

Ththththat's all folks!

Solstice Sunset

2007-06-21T23:30:00.000+01:00

(Click on any image to embiggen)

Vapour Trail

2007-05-24T05:37:00.000+01:00

Taken at dawn, panning from West to East.
Please click on images for full size.

Alan Johnston

2007-05-01T18:54:00.000+01:00

Click the button, add it to your sidebar, sign
the petition, pray if you think it will help.
Thanks.

Edit update.
Alan was thankfully freed in the early morning of 4th July, mostly
safe and sound and, in the circumstances of what he'd gone through,
remarkably clear-headed and insightful.
Read more here.

Post Script

2006-12-24T08:41:00.000Z

Click on the poem.

Enough!

2006-12-09T23:59:00.002Z

This is probably going to be my final post here, since the person for whom I started this blog appears no longer to give
a flying fuq if I am alive or dead, let alone whether I blog.
(That grieves me more than I can say, nor will ever understand.)

Catch the Wind

In the chilly hours and minutes
Of uncertainty
I want to be
In the warm hold of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me
And to take your hand
Along the sand
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
When sundown pales the sky
I wanna hide a while
Behind your smile
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.
For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing,
T'would make me sing
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Dee dee da da la da da da da da
Ya da da, da da, da da
When rain has hung the leaves with tears
I want you near
To kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
For standing in your heart
Is where I wanna be
And I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind ...

(Lyrics and music © Donovan Leitch,
Arrangement © A_Salty_Dogg)

Ironically, after I recorded this song I realised it's
a track from the very first album I ever bought.

Bye Blogger.

Prière de l'Angevin

2006-12-05T04:19:00.000Z

(As with all images on this site, best when clicked to embiggen.)

Don't Shoot the Messenger

2006-11-24T13:37:00.000Z

Desmond Morris missed this one?

2006-11-20T07:07:00.000Z

On the Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day of the Eleventh Month...

2006-11-11T11:00:00.000Z

...the guns fell silent.

Photo shows my grandfather on the
Western Front in late 1918.

*****************

NO MAN'S LAND:

Well, how do you do young Willie McBride?
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside
and rest for awhile neath the warm summer sun.
I've been walking all day and I'm nearly done
I see by your gravestone you were only nineteen
when you joined the great fallen in nineteen sixteen
I hope you died quick and I hope you died clean
or young Willie McBride was it slow and obscene

CHORUS
Did they beat the drum slowly - did they sound the fife lowly
Did the rifles fire o're you as they lowered you down
Did the band play the last post and chorus
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest

And did you leave a wife or sweetheart behind
ln some faithful heart is your memory enshrined
Although you died back in 1916
ln some faithful heart are you forever nineteen
Or are you a stranger without even name
Enclosed and forever behind the glass frame
ln an old photograph, torn and battered and stained
And faded to yellow in a brown leather frame

CHORUS

The sun now it shines on the green fields of France
The warm summer breeze makes the red poppies dance
The trenches are gone now, long under the plough
There's no gas, no barbed wire, there's no guns firing now
But here in this graveyard it's still no man's land
The countless white crosses, in mute witness stand
To man's blind indifference to his fellow man
To a whole generation that were butchered and damned.

CHORUS

Now young Willie McBride, I can't help but wonder why
Do all those who lie here really know why they died
And did they believe when they answered the cause
Did they really believe that this war would end wars
Well the sorrows, the suffering, the glory, the pain,
The killing and dying, it was all done in vain
For Willie McBride it all happened again
And again, and again and again and again.

CHORUS

(Eric Bogle)

*************************

"They shall grow not old. As we that are left grow old
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them".
They shall not grow old..."

(Laurence Binyon)

*****************************

"...but why the fuck don't we learn from their sacrifice ?"

(Joe)

2006-09-13T22:40:00.000+01:00

A Father's Song

by Ewan MacColl

2006-09-02T08:58:00.000+01:00

FUCKITALL

Jasmin

2006-08-29T09:26:00.000+01:00

My jasmin is starting to flower.
It blooms every couple of years or so, and this is the second time since I inherited it.
I only wish the internet had evolved "smellovision" so that you could share what I experience
every time I enter this room.
To the casual visitor this may seem a terribly insignificant piece of information, but, right now, where I am at this point in my life, anything which is not a kick in the balls is a bonus!

No Comment Necessary

2006-07-14T22:38:00.000+01:00

Schon So Lang

2006-07-14T01:28:00.000+01:00

Bin auf meinem Weg
Schon so lang
Zerschlagen und träg
Schon so lang
Bin müde und leer
Will nach Süden ans Meer
Bin auf meinem Weg
Ohne Wiederkehr
Schon so lang

Seh die Kriege, die Not
Schon so lang
Ruinen und Tod
Schon so lang
Seh die Tränen, die Wut
Seh die Wunden das Blut
Erwürgt und verfault
Was stark war und gut
Schon so lang

Seh die Welt oft im Traum
Schon so lang
Als Pilswolkenbaum
Schon so lan
Euch, ihr Herren der Welt
Eure Lügen, den Mord
An Millionen, die glauben
An Euer Wort
Schon so lang

Nicht nur Greuel gescheh´n
Schon so lang
Hab´ die Liebe geseh´n
Schon so lang
Seh die Hoffung, den Mut
Seh den Glauben, die Glut
Und was sich in Gesichtern
Von Kindern tut
Schon so lang

Bin auf meinem Weg
Schon so lang
Zerschlagen und träg
Schon so lang
Bin müde und leer
Will nach Süden ans Meer
Bin auf meinem Weg
Ohne Wiederkehr
Schon so lang

(Hannes Wader)

2006-07-08T22:46:00.000+01:00

ORDERING A PIZZA IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDM first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's, 3897950001-54-66689.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Phelps. I see your E-mail address is, phelps@home.net and that you live at, 8257 Private Drive. Your home phone number is, 505-7633, your office number over at Brave New World Insurance is, 254-7697 and your cell number is, 733-7433. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?

Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. It will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well - I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That may not work either, sir. Your checking account is also overdrawn.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^*^&$%^$@#!

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Mill Pool

2006-06-28T02:50:00.000+01:00

Scream

2006-06-26T07:44:00.000+01:00

See how the child reaches out instinctively
To feel how fire will feel.

See how the man reaches out instinctively
For what he cannot have.

The pull and the push of it all.

Reaching out for the hand.
Reaching out for the hand that smacked.
Reaching out for that hand to hold.
Reaching out for the star.
Reaching out for the star that explodes.
Reaching out for mama.

See how the flower leans instinctively
Toward the light.

See how the heart reaches out instinctively
For no reason but to touch.

The pull and the push of it all.

Reaching out for the hand
Reaching out for the hand that smacked
Reaching out for that hand to hold.
Reaching out for the star.
Reaching out for the star that explodes.
Reaching out for mama.

(can’t we see...)

Reaching out for mama.

Dawn - The Longest Day

2006-06-21T23:02:00.000+01:00

Sunset

2006-06-16T11:45:00.000+01:00

Stay With Me Till Dawn
(Judy Tzuke)

Is this a game you're playin'
I don't understand what's go-oin' on
I can't see through your frown
First you're up
Then you're down
You're keepin' me from someone
I want to know

But I need you tonight
(Need you tonight)
Yes I need you tonight
(Need you tonight)
And I'll show you a sunset
If you'll stay with me till dawn...

It's the same old situation
Every word so finely placed
Runnin' around
My concentration
Is the feelin' that I've just got to
Break out and say

Oh I need you tonight
(Need you tonight)
Yes I need you tonight
(Need you tonight)
And I'll show you a sunset
If you'll stay with me till dawn...

Is this a game you're playin'
Playin' with my heart
(Need you tonight)
Ooh stop playin' with my heart
(Need you tonight)
And I'll show you a sunset
If you'll stay with me till dawn...

Yes I'll show you a sunset
If you'll stay with me till dawn...

Nunsmere

2006-06-08T07:42:00.000+01:00

Lych Gate

2006-06-03T05:21:00.000+01:00

"Looking for loopholes." (W. C. Fields)

Ah, but I may as well.........

2006-05-22T06:49:00.000+01:00

In the chilly hours and minutes
Of uncertainty
I want to be
In the warm hold of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me
And to take your hand
Along the sand
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky
I wanna hide a while
Behind your smile
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.
For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing,
T'would make me sing
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears
I want you near
To kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
For standing in your heart
Is where I want to be
And I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

How was your weekend?

2006-04-18T13:57:00.000+01:00

Good Friday!......Good for whom, exactly?

2006-04-14T21:08:00.000+01:00

Minimum Wage? Luxury!

The Bishop of Shrewsbury surfaced on the radio news this afternoon. Apparently he's been running a publicity stunt over Lent, claiming to have lived the entire period (a whole six weeks, whoopee!) on the British minimum wage.

I reproduce below in its entirety the email sent to him this evening for his delectation and hopefully education.

Bishop Smith,

I just listened to your item on the PM programme with interest.

Without wishing to sound like a Monty Python sketch, I DREAM of £5.05 per hour.

Due to mental health problems I have been attempting to survive on Income Support for the last year. In order to keep myself, my dog, a three bedroom house and the VERY most basic form of transport (an extremely old and ratty motorcycle) which I need to access discount/sell-by-date-expired food shops, I receive the princely sum of £110 per fortnight. (Forgive me if my maths are shoddy but I translate that to £1.37½ per hour, based on 40 hour week!) Let's not even go into the added insult that for the last couple of months they have been disputing my GP's diagnosis and reduced even that pittance to £44 pounds per week whilst I appeal.

If you are marvelling how ANYONE can survive on that amount, the answer, of course, is that it's impossible, as witnessed by my rising monthly credit card balance, which, at this moment in time, I have no clue how/whether I shall ever clear.

I should point out that for the greater part of my 52 years I've lived in Britain and consequently had no choice but to pay their outrageously high income and purchase taxes as and when demanded. However I suppose it would be too selfish to expect them to pass a little back should I ever be in dire necessity, and can, of course, perfectly well see that the need of the White House and Halliburton company shareholders etc. to gain control of a de-nationalised Iraqi economy and oilfields far outweighs mine to eat.

Whenever I've queried this payment amount or BEGGED to be told if there weren't some allowance of which I've failed to be informed, for example, assistance with the electricity account, with the local office, the reply has always been the same parrot response, "That is the amount the `law` says (no, I wasn't aware that an abstract noun could speak either) you need to live on!". It would be too easy, nor do I have the heart, to point out that is the amount they probably spend on a single Friday night at the pub, and I very much doubt any `lawmaker` would even get out of bed for ten times that figure!

I'd be grateful if you would also consider the following point; someone working for minimum wage does so, to an extent, from choice. That's to say if they find it insufficient to support their needs they always have the option to seek further education and/or a better paying job, a luxury not afforded to someone in my position.

A couple of examples, if I may, which I hope will give a sense of perspective. I desperately need a new rear motorcyle tyre, both for safety and legal reasons, cost around £40, which there's just no way I can justify spending. I know, you're probably thinking £40 is NOTHING, I also would have laughed two years ago, but that `nothing` is now a week's entire income. Or that my fridge died last year, and I have absolutely no prospect of even dreaming of a replacement. Or that I break into a sweat every time I enter a shop, worrying how I'll pay for the food I'm buying to keep us alive. These among many others, are daily anguishes in my current existence, always in mind, always.

I don't doubt your Lent experiment was meant with the best will and intent, but I just wanted to try to give you some impression of the realities of living way BELOW the poverty level.

Regards,
Bloggdogg.

I shall be delighted to give his response equal prominence on this site, provided, of course, it
falls within "the Salty Blog publishing house™ profanity/obscenity guidelines "( a reminder for non-regular* browsers who may need a refresher; any libel/lewdness/lascivious behaviour/lingering-labia-licking is fine and dandy here, but NO defence of, nor apologists for, religion and any other variations of medieval superstition, incest, line-dancing, circum***ion, Korean cuisine or Adam Ant, is permitted EVER!).

*non-regular browsers are recommended to eat more roughage; better yet, a few late night curries will soon get you sorted!

Blogging for Beginners

2006-03-20T19:28:00.000Z

There are two secrets to running a successful blog .....

1. Always leave them wanting more.

Sunday Sermon (Courtesy of Jethro Tull, with thanks)

2006-03-19T01:20:00.000Z

In the beginning Man created God;
and in the image of Man
created he him.

And Man gave unto God a multitude of
names,that he might be Lord of all
the earth when it was suited to Man.

And on the seven millionth
day Man rested and did lean
heavily on his God and saw that
it was good.

And Man formed Aqualung of
the dust of the ground, and a
host of others likened unto his kind.

And these lesser men were cast into the
void; And some were burned, and some were
put apart from their kind.

And Man became the God that he had
created and with his miracles did
rule over all the earth.

But as all these things
came to pass, the Spirit that did
cause man to create his God
lived on within all men: even
within Aqualung.

And man saw it not.

But for Christ's sake he'd better start looking.

To be continued.........................

Testing Times Ahead

2006-03-17T12:33:00.000Z

Forget whatever the gypsy told you when your blood ran cold in that darkened clearing in the woods when you became separated from the tour guide during your honeymoon visit to Transylvania.
Take this scientifically* proven test instead (the internet would never lie, after all),and post your results and preferred wreath arrangement in my comments, assuming I'm still here.

* Disclaimer - Remember "scientists", the guys who told us there was no such thing as mad cow disease and that god wouldn't smite us with George Shrubby Bush if we chose to believe that the Earth was round and dinosaur fossils were NOT just his little joke ?

L? I. T. I'D. N. S. SUNDAY

2006-03-12T23:37:00.000Z

For my millions of loyal readers worldwide, I introduce to you a new feature, "Laugh?, I thought I'd never start, Sunday".

(Freeform interpretation from Berthold Brecht, "The man who laughs has surely not yet heard the bad news.")

-------------------------

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I growl in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet
shits itself!"

Wouldn't it be nice to learn about A Salty Dogg Wednesday

2006-03-08T20:41:00.000Z

'All hands on deck, we've run afloat!' I heard the captain cry
'Explore the ship, replace the cook: let no one leave alive!'
Across the straits, around the Horn: how far can sailors fly?
A twisted path, our tortured course, and no one left alive

We sailed for parts unknown to man, where ships come home to die
No lofty peak, nor fortress bold, could match our captain's eye
Upon the seventh seasick day we made our port of call
A sand so white, and sea so blue, no mortal place at all

We fired the gun, and burnt the mast, and rowed from ship to shore
The captain cried, we sailors wept: our tears were tears of joy
Now many moons and many Junes have passed since we made land
A salty dog, this seaman's log: your witness my own hand

(Brooker / Reid)

Tagged

2006-03-07T21:57:00.000Z

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what did you think?:
Damn. Another one cracked!

2. How much cash do you have on you?:
"A Boy Named Sue"

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?:
Fuckfest.

4. Favorite planet?:
Only sampled the one so far, but cannot believe there aren't better.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?:
Wiped them.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?:
The one from Over There.

7. What shirt are you wearing?:
Sackcloth and ashes, a.k.a. NOYFB.

8. Do you "label" yourself?:
Of course. How else would the cab driver know where to deliver me home?

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing now:
Homer J. Simpson slippers by Clarks.

10. Bright or Dark Room?:
Depends. This month's electric bill paid or not?

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I her

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Defining "chaff"

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?:
"Check your offlines & get your butt over here"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?:
Nearest one i KNOW is Tulse Hill, South London, about 230 miles. Suspect there
may be a nearer branch.

16. What's a saying(s) that you say a lot?:
If work is so good for you, then why don't the rich keep it to themselves?

17.Who told you they loved you last?:
S

18. Last furry thing you touched?:
J

19. How Many days of work did you miss this week:
Seven

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?:
Sheesh, where have you people been? Even I went digital!

21. Favorite age you have been so far?:
Pre-cambrian

22. Your worst enemy?:
Errrrrrrrrrr...........Prevarication

23. What is your current desktop picture:
A Santorini window ledge

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?:
"Yes"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?:
No-one could eat that much venison, so I'll fly to the teaparty reunion instead.

26. Do you like someone?:
Yes

27. The last song you listened to?:
Creedence Clearwater Revival cover of " I Heard it through the Grapevine"

28. Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson?:
Hmmmm, tough choice; someone I never heard of or a Baywatch Barbie Doll.
O.K. I'll take Carmen, can only be an improvement, plus I loved her mother,
Carmen Miranda's, taste in hats.

More About Linda Smith

2006-03-04T21:23:00.000Z

For those of my millions of readers outside the broadcast range of BBC Radio 4, who therefore won't fully grasp the tragedy of her too early loss, I reproduce here appreciations from some of her friends and colleagues, as published in Thursday's Guardian, hoping you may gain some insight into the extraordinary wit, warmth and genius which was Linda Smith.

'She was the funniest woman I've ever known'

This week the much-loved comedian Linda Smith died, aged 48. Her colleague on Radio 4's News Quiz, Simon Hoggart, recalls her 'gorgeous ambles down comedy lane'

Interviews by Saleem Vaillancourt
Thursday March 2, 2006
The Guardian

Cancer is the most evil of all illnesses, because it constantly offers false hope to the sufferer and to their family. The latest round of chemo has really caught it this time, they say ... She's certainly in remission, and the steroids seem to be helping ... Then there comes a point when everybody finds out that the end is horribly near. Last Friday, Jeremy Hardy, Linda's close friend, who was in the next room when she died, emailed to say that she seemed "to be getting pretty fed up, so I think her tremendous spirit is finally waning". She died three days later.

When someone like Linda leaves, they are never quite gone. It's like being an amputee, still getting pains in a missing leg. Even yesterday I found myself thinking, that's a great story - I hope Linda's on the panel this week. It was the briefest imaginable moment, bringing a short, sharp stab of pain.

Some people have expressed mild surprise at the amount of coverage Radio 4 devoted to her death this Tuesday (and we are doing a special tribute to her in place of the News Quiz tomorrow night, repeated at lunchtime on Saturday). But I think it was right to give her that time. To Radio 4 listeners, she was family. It hurt people at home. It brought people up with a juddering start. It came, as I know from my own phone and emails, as a huge surprise to hundreds of thousands of her fans who had no idea she was even ill. She had tried to keep it a secret, had begged her friends not to mention it, and wanted to carry on as if it were no more than a minor nuisance that could be ignored by the simple force of will.

People constantly asked me why she wasn't on the show. Had she been barred? Bar her? We'd have had her on every week if we could. Had her occupying two places, if she could.

She first came on to the News Quiz in 1998, and was extremely nervous, as comedians often are. For journalists the show is an extra - it might be fun, it might be an embarrassment, but it doesn't really matter. We'll still get paid. But for comedians it's a vital opportunity, the hope for a bigger national audience, and a life distant from the jeering, pissed crowds of the comedy clubs. She had prepared routines about the stories of the week, and that can sound stiff and even dreary, but even in the earliest days it never did in her mouth. Soon she gained in confidence and we knew that every time she opened her mouth, what would emerge would be a wonderful comedy riff, with jokes added to the side like curlicues, stray thoughts sprayed on to the main theme like graffiti. Andy Hamilton, another News Quiz regular, said yesterday that, now and again, he would wonder if she needed help - an extra line to bounce off - but she never did. That pause was always for effect.

Being chairman of the News Quiz, as I am, is like being umpire at a singles final at Wimbledon. You have the best seat in the house, you don't have to hit a ball yourself, and at the end somebody pays you. One of the greatest joys of the job is hearing the material that will never be broadcast, because there is no way the producer can fit an 80-minute recording into a 29-minute slot. Linda was brilliant at these gorgeous, time-wasting ambles down comedy lane. She used to have this fantasy that whoever was sitting next to her was in an old folks' home. "Isn't he marvellous?" she'd say, turning to Alan Coren, or Jeremy, or whoever it was. "All his own teeth! And her daughter, she comes every fortnight, from Stockport. It's two buses, you know." Then louder, "No, I'm sure the nurses aren't stealing your clothes."

She was very leftwing but wore it lightly, and never consulted some ideological rule book in her head. (She claimed never to have joined anything since the Tufty Club.) She had done many benefits for the striking miners back in the mid-80s, and loved the story about the pickets who had built a snowman, only to see a police Land Rover deliberately smash into it. "Next day they built another snowman, and exactly the same thing happened. What the police didn't know was they had built this one round a cast- iron bollard."

So many wonderful lines. "People knock Asbos, but you have to bear in mind they're the only qualification some of these kids are ever going to get." "I had absolutely no expectations of Tony Blair, and even I have been disappointed."

We always said that she was without malice, and she was, for people she knew and liked. And, truth be known, even people she knew and didn't like. Politicians were an exception, though I used to get the odd message from cabinet ministers, saying that they loved her "whatever she said about them". Which could be rude. "David Mellor, the thinking woman's fat, ugly bastard. The last woman to run her fingers through his hair was the nit nurse." She could build up slowly: you thought she was in gentle, ameliorative mood: "I do sympathise with Bush and Blair trying to find WMDs. I'm like that with my scissors. I put them down, then I search all over the house, and I never find them. Of course, I do know that my scissors exist."

As I've said for tomorrow's tribute, whenever I told the studio audience that Linda was on the panel, there was a sigh, a ripple of pleasure that wafted up to the stage. They loved her. We loved her. We were nominated for best political comedy some years ago at a Channel 4 bash, and she appeared on screen, and announced that "Simon Hoggart was the best chairman we could possibly have" - nicely timed pause - "in his price range". I cherished that.

We will miss her more than I can say. She was the funniest woman I've ever known, and one of the nicest people I have ever met. She was a humanist, so we can't wish her in a better place. In any case, she could not have imagined a better place than on a stage or with her friends, or at home with her partner, Warren Lakin. But we can say thank you. The missing limb will hurt for a very long time ·

Dear Linda ... fellow comedians pay tribute

Mark Steel
Comedian

She was so good at relating anecdotes about other people. There was one that every time I think about the way she said it, it makes me cry. She said she was at a cafe, and there were two young mums sitting at the next table. They both had kids, young children in pushchairs. One of them was talking to the other, but she stopped and looked at her child, who was slouching, and said: "Oi, sit up, you cunt." And then just carried on.

There's [another anecdote] which I think is very Linda-ish, because it's so English. It explains why she never joined any group on the left, possibly. She was talking about a friend's parents, who were in the communist party. The morning that Russia invaded Czechoslovakia it was all over the news, and there was despair because no one knew how to deal with it.

And Linda remembered that this friend's mum got up and said, "Oh well, why don't we all have a nice cup of tea and see what it says in the Morning Star."

Simon Nicholls
Former News Quiz producer

Linda was very good at being very daft and silly about really serious stuff. She referred to Tony Blair, said to be in cahoots with Bush, "as a girl in a horror film". There was a Blunkett question on the quiz, when he was home secretary, and it was a serious story, but she'd start it with this line that she had caught Blunkett going through her bins that week and having to tell him to sod off.

She was very good at thinking about her performance. I was quite a bit younger than her, and it was almost like hearing your mother telling people off. She wasn't a female comic in the way many female comics went on about boyfriends and girly stuff ... instead she went off on daft tangents.

One time, recording in Southsea at the Theatre Royal, there was a question about Charles and Camilla and whether it would be legal for them to marry. She referred to Charles and Camilla as Rod Hull and Emu. So Armando [Iannucci] asked, which one is which? And she said, "Clearly, the one that looks like Rod Hull is Rod Hull, and the one that looks like Emu is Emu."

Sandy Toksvig
Comedian

Linda was the funniest woman I've met. What was wonderful was that what she said seemed conversational - it didn't seem as though it was a set joke. And along with that, she was immensely modest about her skills. On one occasion we were on the same side, on News Quiz, which was rare because women are never allowed to be funny together ... we were allowed to work together because she transcended being thought of as a funny woman: she was just thought of as a funny person.

Alan Coren
Writer and broadcaster

When stand-up [comedy became popular], women were the butt of jokes of male comics, so women had to have their own stick - the way men smelled in bed, the crap of living with a partner. Linda never did any of that. Linda was as good as any man at jokes that weren't gender based or socio-based. She also had this very special thing which is rare among comics, which was that she could draw out of every single source of culture. She used really crap children's television adverts or Dostoevsky. Her comedy wasn't linear, it was lateral, and this is really very rare.

The important thing to say about her is that she was generous, and she wasn't generous with just me, but generous with [stand-up] professionals, with everyone. She would look across the studio and see that she knew what you were doing, and had punch lines in her head that were better than yours, but she wouldn't use them, she would let you do your own joke. And the few times when the impulse to tell the joke came out first, before she could stop it, she would apologise afterwards. She was a very good woman.

R.I.P. Linda Smith

2006-02-28T21:06:00.000Z

Too soon gone.

We'll miss you.

Jeremy Hardy can say it far better than I could.

Woodentops

2006-02-27T21:13:00.000Z

What do you call an actor with a wooden head?..........

..............Ed Wood!

What do you call an actor with three wooden heads?...................

.............Edward Woodward!

What do you call an actor with four wooden heads?......................

..................................I don't know, but Edward Woodward would!

2006-02-27T00:22:00.000Z

Happy Half Naked Monday

2006-02-26T21:18:00.000Z

Ten Top Trivia Tips about A salty dog!

Snow White's coffin was made of a salty dog.
It can take a salty dog several days to move just through one tree.
A salty dog is born white; its pink feathers are caused by pigments in its typical diet of shrimp.
The air around a salty dog is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.
Only 55 percent of Americans know that the sun is made of a salty dog.
A salty dog was the first Tsar of Russia.
A salty dog was invented in China in the eleventh century, but was only used for fireworks, never for weapons!
Koalas sleep for 22 hours a day, two hours more than a salty dog.
You share your birthday with a salty dog!
Birds do not sleep in a salty dog, though they may rest in it from time to time.

google-site-verification: google72fc4477d7904e3d.html

2001-01-09T06:36:00.000Z